Love: Addiction

1. Scramble - I am not exactly a fan of street foods, but this particular drink caught my attention. I am well aware of its existence since fourth grade but didn’t get to experience its goodness until now. My innocence about street foods stems from my parents banning me from buying such because I was severely stricken with amoebiasis when I was much younger. Boy, scrambles are yummy! More than those sold in franchises inside malls, I still prefer the street type because of its affordability. I treat my siblings to a cup of scramble when we’re together, and it instantly becomes fun times!  

2. Running - I am back on track! I make it a point to jog every morning and witness the beautiful day unfold before my eyes. It’s much better when I run alone, because I tend to run too far to challenge my endurance. Plus, it is the perfect time to be at peace with myself. Oh, did I mention I will be entering a marathon too? 5 KM here I go.   

3. Kickboxing - Finally, it has become a reality: martial arts gym! Every time I finish a session I want it more and more~ I am addicted to the feel of sweating after a strenuous workout. The effects are so positive; barely two weeks since I started and I can see the muscle definitions already. I like! There is another wish though; I want to learn arnis properly. Guess I have to aim that in two years or so.

4. Kids - Like what I have written before, I am now working in the Kids’ Ward. I am getting by; in fact I was placed in charge this afternoon. My coworkers berate me for being adapting to the new regimen quickly, and I am happy. Somehow, despite their moodiness, kids are great. The pesky and demanding relative are not, however. 

5. Books - Knowing that reading prevents degenerative diseases such as Alzheimer’s disease, I resolved I will read fiction books as much as possible to stimulate my brain cells. I have just finished reading “The Catcher in the Rye” in dedication to the late J. D Salinger. Right now I am reading Dance Dance Dance by Haruki Murakami. (Damn his great mind; so messed up but I like.) But more than anyone else, Paulo Coehlo’s works are my inspiration.    

6. “LIVE” - God knows how many times I have listened to the new NEWS album! Maturity is evident in their new album; they have grown a lot, I have to agree. Sadly though, I do not have the money to purchase a legit copy. Hahaha.  

7. Lists - My goals are getting clearer. Listing them down gives me power and a feeling I can accomplish all of them.

I’m doing fine, don’t worry. My long absences online simply means I’m preoccupied with straightening out my life in general. Cheers! 

Background Music : NEWS - Supernatural 

Satisfaction

One major change in my life is I am no longer working in the Emergency Department. Instead, I am placed in the Pediatrics Wing. You read that right; from now on I will be taking care of kids. I have been saying that I like kids, but I realized it takes a whole lot of patience to tolerate them especially when they are sick. Also, the relatives themselves are too demanding as they always want timely medicine administration and medical management. The physicians are equally meticulous with how we treat their clients. More than anything else, this puts so much pressure in part of the staff. Compared to my experience in the Emergency Room, this pressure is clearly felt in the ward.

Most student nurses say that the ward is the most monotonous area, hence they don’t want to be assigned there. But it’s different for me. I have deep admiration to the ward nurses because they have great time management skills. Imagine dividing your attention to 20 patients, knowing their conditions accurately and being able to refer abnormal conditions to the doctors immediately! Such focus! Today’s duty has been hectic. There have been 11 admissions in our ward, all occuring in my 8-hour duty. At some point during my duty I had the urge to scream, “AH PLEASE SLOW DOWN!” and hide in the washroom so I can rest awhile. The pressure was beautiful. There exists the feeling of inadequacy, but it is the type of inadequacy that made me think I can be a lot better: more systematic, more focused. And with each inadequacy solved, I will be cherishing myself. What follows is the satisfaction of my patients. I want to go out of my workplace with that feeling. I want to have the excitement of returning next day to find out if there will be improvements to the kids who have somehow became a part of me.  

Right now my adrenaline is still high. I am still wide awake, but very hungry and smelling awful. I must eat properly and take a bath!
Tomorrow is a free day! I wonder what worthwhile thing should I accomplish?

Background Music: Abingdon Boys School - INNOCENT SORROW

The whirlwind

I know I disappeared for a long time. Changes are certainly inevitable, and my absence was brought about with how I coped with such changes. It has been a hard time for me; the new experiences I had made me look closer on how I have been living my life. It seemed like a whirlwind passed so quickly I had no time to preserve the things dear to me. No, do not interpret that I’ve been living a turbulent or tragic life lately. It’s just like… changes occur here and there that it is too overwhelming. The thought of not being able to repent for the lost time is frustrating. Sometimes I wonder if I have wasted my life the past twenty-two years. Rereading my journal entries, perhaps I was too absorbed with my fantasies AND pretending I am “mature” because I know a lot about life already. But right now, I realize I still have nothing. Looking around me, my friends have earned significant lessons because they focused on their real lives. They have grown into dependable, more responsible people. My siblings get older; the time lapsed between their growth and my selfishness cannot be pulled back. Great memories cannot be formed with the missed opportunities. What did I get from my fantasies and wishful thinking? I am full of tears, still I am hollow. The lessons, the happiness I’m supposed to distribute, crumbled in my hands because I held onto them too much. I didn’t share myself enough.

This whirlwind have discouraged me upon its arrival. I viewed this as a problem to deter me from my goals. But as I journeyed toward the eye of the storm to regain the things dear to me, I realized that this whirlwind didn’t put my precious items away. Rather, it helped me focus on each item separately, discerning their importance to me individually. Furthermore, the whirlwind cleared up the ground wherein my things were once left in disarray. It cleared up the weeds that stole the nutrients for the flowers - the happiness, the hope, the warmth I am capable of giving others - to grow better. Now that the sun is back again, the ground is free of weeds and my precious items are in one heap in one corner, still perfectly whole. I pick up the pieces and noticed that I had lots of possessions, some of them junk. Not everything has to fit in my field. 

It’s up to me to put things back in place.
I will let the field of flowers in my heart bloom more beautifully.

Background Music: Kanjani 8 - LIFE ~ Me no Mae no Mukou E

Soften

It was my cousin’s ninth birthday, so our family headed to their place, a good 8 kilometers away from our home. It was also an important event for my mother and her siblings. It will be the last occasion they would celebrate together. It came much sooner; my uncle will be leaving 13 days from now. The highlight of the event was when we watched the video of the baptism of my uncle’s son. As I watched the gootage, I noticed how my uncle - a notoriously lazy bum - looked as if he was glowing while he was holding the baby who resembled him a lot. It amazed me how parenthood can soften eventhe laziest or toughest man.

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Astral

I had a vision.

I saw my own body asleep as my so-called spirit hovered on top of it. Then almost suddenly I drifted farther from our house, until I saw our entire neighborhood in bird’s eye view. There was no way to go but up, and I remembered passing through layers and layers of atmosphere until I merged with a blinding light overhead.

The next thing I saw were a pair of honey-skinned feet, weary from too much walking. I was marching at the bare, stony ground, with the feeling of shards cutting under my feet. I sped up my pace; I was running already. At the backgroun I heard war cries and rifles. Last thing I remembered was I mounted a black horse and I ran away.

Then I woke up in a sweaty heap, pale, and the back part of my head throbbing but feeling so light. I was also palpitating as if my body also ran a good distance. It was a strange experience, and having recalled the book I have read, a question popped in my head:

Was that a glimpse of my past life?

Cold

I am known to make people cry and hurt even the ones I love for being indifferent. Like I said in a previous entry, I have many friends but most of the time I tend not to be too involved with them. You may call this as self- defense to prevent hurt from breaking me, or perhaps this is an innate characteristic of an Aquarian which I come to read very often on astrology sites. I always think I am incapable of really giving myself up completely because once I do I become too vulnerable, as previous heart experiences have revealed . I give all or nothing, that is my principle. Because of this aspect of my personality, I have ticked off a good friend which… didn’t really bother me. For one, she may be having one of her down days with fragile moods. I know better than to answer back. So I chose to keep my silence… which others interpret as being cold.

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Perfection

I do not understand why people yearn to be perfect in everything. Looking at it closely, it just makes a person less human. It leaves no room for contentment. Why should we work harder, trying to hard to fit in with everyone just to please them? I cannot see the point of disappointing oneself just to be praised, bceause first and foremost it should be the self who is praising himself.

 
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For Eternity

Today I properly read the book Hydee gave me. I wasn’t able to put it down the entire afternoon as it captured my interest. The book was basically about soulmates. It is a reporter’s collection of stories about people who have claimed they found their soulmates, plus the painstaking journey they had experienced in this lifetime to find them. Such stories were bittersweet., but has the running theme of love winning in the end. It amazed me how their past lives were revealed through hypnotherapy. Now, most people will be skeptical about what they will read on that book; you might say the author has just made up the past lives crap just to sell, but I don’t know… I found myself believing everything easily.

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Effects of Songs

On those nights when I can’t sleep, I always open up the old photo album
All of us are there laughing innocently.

This Kanjani 8 song, named PUZZLE, made me shiver the first time I heard it. I always quiver and stare into space whenever I hear my favorite songs. In here I regress back at my younger years when the human race is not burdened with being updated on the internet and instead cherished the presence of the FM radio. Songs always have that magic on me, either I listen at them or I play the music on my guitar. There is an overwhelming feeling, as if time has stopped, when the stanzas roll by, on to the melodramatic chorus, the soothing bridge, and the satisfying ending. But more than the melodies, I almost always look deeper into a song’s meaning whenever I am entranced. And this song didn’t fail me. This song about not forgetting an old friend was made even more significant with their band’s history of losing a member they loved so well.  So, imagine my delight when PUZZLE was then played acoustic by the group’s most emotional singer, Ryo Nishikido, with his favorite artist, Kazuyoshi Saito. Ahh, heaven!

Involvement

Sometimes when I go out with my coworkers I do not feel like I am truly one with them. Don’t get me wrong; I am literally in good terms with everyone. We fool around like little kids when the ER is clear of patient. Most often I am the center of their playful jokes. They name me as the culprit of massive number patients and admissions attacking the ER. As far as I know there’s no one who hold grudges against me. That, or there’s some backstabber out there who’s still making the proper timing to show himself. But still, I do not feel as “close” as I should be to them. I kept on wondering why, and it is because I am not someone highly involved with their private lives.

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